Alright, listen up, snowflakes. Some 16-year-old zoomer named Oliver thought he was gonna hang ten in the shark-infested waters of South Australia on Good Friday. Surprise, surprise – gets a little love bite from a bronze whaler. Newsflash: the ocean is where sharks LIVE. It's not your personal woke playground.

This kid, probably triple-vaxxed and pronouns in his bio, gets 'tugged' off his board. He says he 'flicked it off' like a crab. Yeah, okay, buddy. More like screamed and paddled faster than AOC running from responsibility.

Then, instead of, you know, panicking like a normal person who just had a prehistoric predator try to sample his foot, he snaps some selfies for the 'gram. Priorities, am I right? Probably gonna virtue-signal about shark awareness next. Meanwhile, real men are out there wrestling gators and building empires.

Of course, the lefty media is gonna spin this into some climate change narrative or some BS about 'vulnerable populations' lacking 'equitable access to safe recreational spaces'. Gimme a break. It's a shark bite. Sharks bite people. It's been happening since before TikTok was a twinkle in Zuckerberg's eye.

And let's talk about these 'experts' warning about 'murky waters' attracting sharks. No duh, Sherlock! Sharks like the dark. They're like the Antifa of the sea – lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike.

Solution? Simple. Either ban sharks (good luck with that, Greta Thunberg) or arm all surfers with tactical shark-repellent spray. And maybe a taser. Just in case. Because relying on the government to protect you is like relying on Biden to string a coherent sentence together.

This whole thing is just another example of the wokeification of everything. Even sharks are apparently woke now, biting only the most easily triggered victims. Get some self-reliance, kid. And maybe a harpoon.

Stop trying to sanitize the natural world and pretending everything is safe and inclusive. Nature doesn't care about your feelings. It's a brutal, unforgiving place where the strong survive and the weak become shark snacks. Now go lift some weights and get back in the water. Just maybe invest in some chainmail surfing shorts first.