PERTH, Australia – So, another Aussie bites the dust, courtesy of Mother Nature's toothy grin. Steven Mattaboni, 38, a surveyor and dad, went for a dip at Rottnest Island and ended up as a buffet for a five-meter white shark. Because, you know, the ocean is a friendly, inclusive space where apex predators totally respect your pronouns.

The dude was spearfishing. Spearfishing! What did he think was gonna happen? You’re literally waving a bloody invitation in front of a friggin’ shark. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

His wife, Shirene, bless her heart, called him a “one-of-a-kind gentleman.” Sure, honey. He’s one-of-a-kind now – permanently integrated into the marine ecosystem. She thanked the emergency services, which is nice, but let's be real – they were just hauling out what was left of him. A rescue helicopter? For what? Shark bait retrieval?

The Kingsley Football Club chimed in, mourning their “much loved friend.” Look, I get it, he was a good guy. But let's not pretend this isn't nature being nature. Sharks gonna shark. Liberals gonna virtue signal. The circle of life, or something.

Premier Roger Cook called it “deeply distressing.” Translation: “This is bad PR for our tourism industry.” Maybe Cook should focus on, I don't know, securing the borders instead of issuing thoughts and prayers to a guy who should’ve known better than to poke the ocean bear. Or shark. Whatever.

Surf Life Saving WA spotted a five-meter Great White. Yeah, no kidding. It probably sent a thank you note. The Department of Primary Industries and Regional Development is urging caution. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Maybe they should just put up a sign: “Enter at your own risk. You are now part of the food chain.”

WA Police are “preparing a report for the coroner.” Another taxpayer-funded document that will conclude: “Man got eaten by shark.” Groundbreaking.

Rottnest Island, 11km long by 4.5km wide is a popular tourist destination...and apparently a five star dining experience for sharks. You know what’s really distressing? The price of beer at the pub. Not some dude getting what he had coming for swimming in shark infested waters like he's Aquaman.

Bottom line: respect the ocean, or become part of it. And maybe, just maybe, stop expecting the government to protect you from everything. Sometimes, the best defense is just common sense. R.I.P. Mattas. Hope you tasted good.