Alright, folks, gather 'round. Amazon's got another list of 'deals' this week, conveniently timed to distract you from the impending collapse of Western Civilization. Yeah, yeah, 40% off a massage gun – sounds great until you remember that it's probably made by Uyghurs and shipped by a robot about to steal your job. But hey, at least you'll have fewer knots in your back while you're living in the pod, eating the bugs.

The Ring Video Doorbell 2, now a paltry $159. Big deal. It's made by Amazon, so you're just installing a surveillance device directly linked to the Jeff Bezos hive mind. It'll probably start suggesting you buy more products based on who's standing on your porch. Wake up, sheeple! Privacy is dead, and this is just the headstone.

Next up, the Fullstar Vegetable Chopper. Because chopping vegetables is so hard. Another piece of plastic destined for the landfill after you use it twice. But hey, at least you can make a TikTok about how efficiently you diced an onion. Priorities, people. Priorities.

Oh boy, the Toloco Massage Gun. For when you're too lazy to, you know, actually exercise. Just blast your muscles with this thing until you feel vaguely less pathetic. And at only $40, it's practically a steal! Until it breaks after three uses because it's cheap garbage.

And who can forget the Shark Rotator Professional Lift-Away Upright Vacuum? Because nothing says 'responsible adult' like spending hundreds of dollars on a vacuum cleaner. Just imagine all the dust bunnies you can vanquish! You'll be the envy of all your neighbors...assuming they haven't all succumbed to rampant consumerism and bought even more expensive vacuums.

The Breville Smart Oven Air Fryer Pro sounds like something out of a dystopian sci-fi movie. 13 cooking functions? What happened to just, you know, cooking? At $320, it's basically a down payment on a lifetime of culinary mediocrity. Get off my lawn with your fancy air fryers!

The Midea U-Shaped Smart Inverter Window Air Conditioner will cool you down while you are thinking about climate change. Just close your windows, and stay inside, and order stuff. The U-shaped design is just enough to keep you inside, it's the perfect trap!.

The Sperax Under-Desk Treadmill, because the only thing more pathetic than working from home is working from home while pretending to exercise. For $290, you can slowly shuffle your way to nowhere while your boss watches you on Zoom. Peak corporate dystopia right here.

Look, I'm not saying don't buy any of this crap. Just remember who's laughing all the way to the bank. It's not you, buddy. It's Bezos, Musk, and all the other tech overlords who are slowly turning us into mindless consumers. Stay woke... or at least buy a decent tinfoil hat.

Sources:

* Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) - [https://www.bea.gov/](https://www.bea.gov/) * Federal Trade Commission (FTC) - [https://www.ftc.gov/](https://www.ftc.gov/) * Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) - [https://www.cpsc.gov/](https://www.cpsc.gov/)