COMMODORE, Pa. – So, get this. Eighty freaking years after kicking the bucket fighting Nazis in Krautland, some poor sap named John A. Walko finally gets to come home. Yeah, a WWII soldier. They ID'd his dusty remains using DNA, because apparently, the alphabet agencies have nothing better to do than sift through old bones while the border's wide open.

Walko, bless his heart, bought the farm back on October 20, 1944, during the Battle of Aachen. The poor guy's remains were labeled “X-99 Henri-Chapelle” – sounds like some kind of experimental soy product, doesn't it? Anyway, the Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency (DPAA), those champions of bureaucratic efficiency, finally got around to exhuming him and running the DNA. You know, because priorities.

Three years ago, the US defense department and American Battle Monuments Commission dug up X-99 Henri-Chepelle and sent his carcass to the DPAA lab. Tax dollars well spent, am I right? Anthropological analysis? Material evidence? DNA analysis? All to figure out who this one old dead guy was. I bet they couldn't find Hunter Biden's laptop if it was strapped to their foreheads.

His 96-year-old sister, Sally Gaydosh, waited eighty years. Eighty. Years. She probably voted for Biden. 'Oh, we’re sure. We’re sure they’ll find him,' she apparently said. Bless her heart. At least she didn't get to see America go completely down the tubes before her brother's bones got back.

The town threw a parade. Flags, firetrucks, the whole nine yards. A vet's motorcycle group escorted the hearse. It's like a Greatest Generation zombie movie, but with less brain-eating and more virtue signaling. Gotta get those woke points, even for dead guys.

They buried Walko next to his mom, dad, and brother. Family values and all that. Meanwhile, the rest of the country is run by gender-bending commies who hate America. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Oh, and get this: the DPAA announced they ID'd another WWII corpse, some flyboy named Robert J. Barrat. Died in 1945. So, congratulations, DPAA, you're only 79 years behind schedule. Maybe you can identify Jimmy Hoffa next.

Barrat's death was even more metal: his B-17G bomber collided with another plane and exploded. Eight guys turned into chunky salsa. But hey, at least they got identified. Progress!

The Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency (DPAA) is basically a jobs program for forensic scientists and bureaucrats who need to justify their existence. While they're busy playing CSI: WWII, the country's going to hell in a handbasket. Just sayin'.