Okay, so some 21-year-old zoomer named Jack Teixeira, a freaking Air National Guardsman no less, apparently dumped a load of classified docs onto a Discord server called "Thug Shaker Central." Thug Shaker Central! You can't make this stuff up. Turns out, this kid had Top Secret clearance. Top. Secret. Clearance. And he was hanging out on Discord. Let that sink in.

Suddenly everyone's clutching their pearls about national security. Oh noes! The Russians might find out that... wait for it... Ukraine is running low on ammo! Groundbreaking revelation, I tell you. We haven't been screaming that for months? The documents also showed that peace talks were never gonna happen (duh) and that the US spies on its allies (shocked, I am!). This kid just confirmed what any sentient potato already knew.

They're all freaking out because some kid spilled the beans on Discord, but what's more concerning is that a dude who probably spends half his day posting Pepe memes had access to Top Secret information in the first place. The military-industrial complex is so bloated that they're handing out clearances like candy. No wonder nothing works.

Clay Jones wants us to compare this to the Zimmerman Telegram. Right, because a telegram from 1917 is totally relevant in the age of TikTok and encrypted messaging. Back then, they had to break codes. Now, they just have to find the right Discord server. Progress!

Brett Bruen, some former Obama dude, is whining about too many people having access to classified info. Maybe instead of limiting access, we should declassify more stuff. You know, let the peasants in on the joke. But nah, can't have that. Gotta keep the narrative under control.

Kori Schake, bless her heart, tries to put a positive spin on it, saying it's not really a bombshell. Maybe not, but it's still hilarious to watch the establishment scramble to contain the damage. Serves 'em right for running a clown show.

So, what's the takeaway? The government is incompetent, the security clearance system is a joke, and the Ukraine war is a black hole of wasted money and resources. Also, never underestimate the power of a bored zoomer with internet access. He might just accidentally expose the whole damn thing.

Next thing you know, they'll be blaming 4chan. Remember when they said the internet would bring freedom of information? Turns out the internet can also bring classified war documents to a bunch of gamers. The future is now, old man.

Sources:

* United States Air Force Public Affairs * United States Department of Justice Press Releases * Wikileaks