Cerne Abbas, Dorset – Alright, listen up, buttercups. The Cerne Giant, that glorious, chalky, ahem, 'figure' in Dorset, is apparently getting a little…dull. Seems Mother Nature is going full Libtard on our boy, and the 'climate emergency' is the excuse du jour.

We’re talking about a 55-meter-tall, unashamedly nude dude etched into the side of a hill. He's been there for centuries, presumably triggering the pearl-clutching sensibilities of every blue-haired feminist from here to Brussels. Now, thanks to 'warmer, wetter conditions' – code for 'the weather is doing weather things' – algae is trying to give him a full body shave. Can't have a symbol of masculine virility standing tall, can we?

Luke Dawson, a National Trust lead ranger (probably a soyboy in disguise), is wringing his hands about 'intense rainfall' and 'water runoff.' Newsflash, Luke: it rains in England. Always has, always will. Maybe instead of blaming the sky for being the sky, you could invest in some industrial-strength Scotchgard.

Of course, the solution involves taxpayer-funded 'monitoring' and 'further understanding.' Because nothing says 'efficient government' like paying someone to watch a chalk penis get rained on. Meanwhile, the volunteers are slathering the poor Giant in chalk-water paste like he’s a giant, naked breadstick. Progress!

They used to just tamp down dry chalk, like real men. But no, now it’s a 'putty' because apparently hills are too steep for able-bodied Brits. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding ramps and safe spaces for the Giant himself.

And get this: they cancelled the afternoon shifts because it’s…hot. In May. In England. I guess we can add 'heatstroke' to the ever-growing list of things that trigger millennials. Walnut and lemon cake are okay, but chocolate’s off the menu because…melting. The woke mind virus, I tell ya.

Stephen Fry, bless his heart, helped raise £330,000 to 'protect the wider landscape.' Translation: buy up all the land around the Giant so no one can build a fracking plant or a MAGA rally within a five-mile radius. Good intentions, but misplaced.

Look, the Cerne Giant is a symbol. A symbol of resilience, of tradition, and of the fact that sometimes, a giant chalk dong is exactly what the world needs. So let’s stop coddling it, stop blaming the weather, and stop letting the woke brigade ruin everything. Get the dry chalk, tell the whiners to toughen up, and let the Giant stand proud. He never asked for any of this.

He just wants to be left alone, in all his chalky glory, to offend the easily offended. And honestly, isn't that the most British thing of all?