LONDON - Oh, the horror! A 17th-century mourning jewel has been rediscovered, and you just know the Woke Brigade is seething. This heart-shaped pendant, straight out of John Souch's 1635 painting 'Sir Thomas Aston at the Deathbed of His Wife' (hanging proudly in the Manchester Art Gallery, BTW), is just too darn real for their fragile sensibilities.

The painting itself is a masterpiece of black-and-white gloom, depicting Sir Thomas Aston weeping over his dead wife, Magdalen, and their deceased infant. And there's lil' Thomas, the sole survivor (for a hot minute, anyway), pointing at some inscription like he's auditioning for the next season of 'Succession.' Talk about dark.

But the real kicker is this pendant. Made to commemorate the death of Aston's son, Robert (aged six, bless his cotton socks), it's got a tassel made from the kid's actual hair. Try to find that on Etsy, millennials.

The inscription, in fancy Latin (because back then, they knew how to actually learn something), translates to: “Your Robert died 4 May 1634 … In whom was our delight, through whom was our consolation, with whom the hope of his parents first perished.” Melodramatic? Maybe. But at least it's not a virtue signal on Instagram.

Now, the pearl-clutchers are probably whining about “privilege” and “inequality.” Yeah, well, back then, some people had money and some didn't. Get over it. The jewel was sold off in 1862 (probably to pay for some socialist experiment that failed miserably), and the current owners didn't even know what they had until they saw it in a museum. Classic.

Martyn Downer, some historian dude, says it's in “wonderful condition.” Of course it is! Things were built to LAST back then, not designed to break after two years so you have to buy a new one. He also draws parallels to Shakespeare. Because, you know, tragedy is timeless. Unless you're a snowflake.

Valued at £650,000? Noice. That's enough to buy a whole lotta freedom. So next time you see some soyboy crying about “systemic oppression,” just remember this jewel. A reminder that life is tough, death is inevitable, and some things are just plain beautiful, no matter how much the Woke Mob tries to cancel them.