Okay, folks, buckle up because this is peak clown world. Remember Cole Allen, the dude who allegedly tried to ventilate Trump at the White House Correspondents' Dinner? Yeah, that guy. Turns out, he's off suicide watch, and his lawyers are now acting like he's a freaking guest at the Ritz.

So, this genius allegedly rushes a Secret Service checkpoint with more hardware than a Home Depot, and now his legal eagles are crying because he can't get his jail tablet to watch TikTok and review his legal briefs at the same time. Boo-hoo. Sounds like someone's feeling the consequences of his actions.

Apparently, being on suicide watch – which, let's be real, probably cramped his style – violated his “rights.” Can't access his jail iPad? Can't review his documents while rocking a padded vest? Oh, the humanity! Seriously, are we supposed to feel bad for this guy?

Jeanine Pirro, the U.S. Attorney, is planning to toss this case to a grand jury, which probably means they're gonna stack more charges on him than a double-stuffed Oreo. Good. Maybe then he'll have something real to cry about.

The defense is trying to cancel the hearing because, well, it's moot now that he's not on suicide watch. Probably wants to get back to planning his escape, or maybe just ordering Postmates to his cell. (Do they deliver to the DC Jail? Asking for a friend...)

Let's be honest, this whole situation is a joke. The guy tries to off the President, and we're worried about his jail amenities? What is this, a freaking summer camp for aspiring terrorists?

I'm not saying we should bring back the guillotine, but maybe we could at least stop treating attempted presidential assassins like delicate snowflakes. Give him a coloring book and a pat on the head, maybe he'll learn his lesson. NOT.

Seriously, where's the outrage? Where's the common sense? We're so busy coddling criminals that we've forgotten what it means to actually hold them accountable. This is why we can't have nice things.

Remember folks, if you're gonna try to assassinate the President, at least have the decency to do it before you demand a jail tablet. The audacity is just astounding.

And for the love of all that is holy, can we please stop using taxpayer money to cater to these clowns? Give him bread and water and a copy of the Constitution. Maybe he'll learn something.

Sources: * Fox News Articles (Because even I need the source article, duh) * My Brain (The source of all truth and righteous anger)