London - Oh, the horror! The ivory towers of academia are shaking in their boots because the free money spigot might be getting turned down a notch. Universities UK (UUK), the official whining organization for posh degrees, is out there bleating about potential cuts to “hardship support” and “outreach programs” if the government doesn't keep the cash flowing like a socialist's tears at a Trump rally.

Apparently, nearly a third of these vice-chancellors – you know, the folks who get paid six figures to manage… checks notes… universities – are threatening to cut “hardship funding” for poor students. Translation: less free stuff for the perpetually aggrieved. And more than half are considering dialing back on the “access and outreach” initiatives, which are basically just virtue-signaling exercises designed to make the institutions look woke while simultaneously driving up tuition for everyone else.

Vivienne Stern, the chief executive of UUK (a title so ridiculously bureaucratic it could only exist in Britain), is screeching about the need for a “serious conversation” about funding. Translation: she wants more taxpayer money. Because apparently, these universities are so incapable of managing their own finances that they need the government to bail them out every five minutes. Maybe try cutting some of those gender studies programs, eh?

Lee Elliot-Major (yes, that's his real name), a professor of “social mobility” (another term for “handouts”), is warning that cutting funding will create a system where only the privileged can afford university. Newsflash, Lee: university has always been more accessible to the privileged. That's why they call it higher education, not mandatory education. And maybe, just maybe, not everyone needs a degree in basket weaving.

Katy Hampshire, director of programmes at the Sutton Trust (yet another organization dedicated to redistributing wealth), is hyperventilating about the impact on poor students. Apparently, these students are already skipping meals and missing lectures because they're too busy working. Maybe, instead of demanding more government handouts, they should, oh I don't know, consider a trade school? Not everyone needs to be a philosopher, Katy.

The universities are also floating the idea of mergers and partnerships, like King’s College London’s planned takeover of Cranfield University. Translation: consolidation of power and even less accountability to the taxpayer. It's all a big game, folks, and you're the ones paying for it.