So, the geniuses in charge of Blighty have cooked up another masterstroke. Turns out, making it harder for productive people to stay in the UK might, shocker, make them… leave. Who could have seen that coming? This bombshell report – and by bombshell, I mean something everyone with two brain cells already knew – from the Migration Advisory Committee (MAC), basically admits that Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood's hair-brained scheme to extend the 'pathway to citizenship' (read: indentured servitude) from five to ten years will likely chase away the high earners. The people who, you know, PAY TAXES.

But fear not, lads! Because according to the MAC's groundbreaking analysis of a whopping 900,000 migration journeys (funded by YOUR tax dollars, of course), the folks who really want to stick around are the ones pulling in under £40k. You know, the 'essential workers' we clapped for during the lockdowns and now apparently intend to keep locked in the UK by any means necessary. Seems legit.

"Our analysis suggests migrants earning the lowest wages are the most likely to remain in the UK long term, while there is some evidence that those with the highest salaries (£125,000+) are the most likely income group to leave," the report drones. Yeah, no kidding. Offer a doctor or engineer a decade of bureaucratic hoops and extortionate visa fees, or a quick trip to Canada or Australia? Tough choice, eh?

Mahmood, bless her heart, thinks she's being clever by offering 'discounts' on the slavery wait time for 'higher-rate taxpayers.' Translation: if you cough up enough cash to keep the system afloat, we might let you become a real person sooner. How generous! It's almost like they're intentionally trying to bleed the productive dry while simultaneously virtue signaling about 'fairness' and 'equality.'

The MAC report even acknowledges that this plan might backfire, stating that higher earners “could be more susceptible to being deterred by a less generous settlement offer.” You think?! You don't say. They're almost there, folks. Just a few more million-dollar studies and they might actually figure out that people respond to incentives.

And of course, the usual suspects are trotted out: 'younger migrants' are apparently more keen to stick around (probably because they haven't realized the horror yet), and people from 'African and South Asian countries' are more loyal (draw your own conclusions, I'm just reporting the facts, okay?). London, predictably, sucks up all the migrants like a giant, overpriced Dyson, while Scotland and Wales are left with the scraps.