IOWA CITY, IA - So, like, three future baristas at the University of Iowa caught some stray bullets early this morning near the downtown pedestrian mall. Allegedly, a 'fight broke out.' Yeah, a fight. In a college town. At 2 a.m. Groundbreaking stuff, people. Are we really surprised?

Let's be real. This is just another Tuesday in Woke America. We’re told these universities are supposed to be bastions of higher learning, safe spaces where snowflakes can safely cultivate their soy latte-fueled anxieties. Turns out, they're just glorified daycare centers with liquor licenses. And occasionally, they host impromptu target practice sessions.

The usual suspects are already lining up to blame the guns. Of course. Never mind the fact that people were actively engaged in fisticuffs. Let's disarm the law-abiding citizens, that'll totally fix the problem, right? Because criminals always follow the rules. It's not like they'll just, I dunno, acquire firearms through less-than-legal channels or something. Derp.

Remember when colleges used to, ya know, teach stuff? Like, history? Or philosophy? Now they're too busy indoctrinating kids with woke garbage and forcing them to attend mandatory pronoun workshops. Maybe, just maybe, if these institutions spent less time virtue signaling and more time fostering a sense of personal responsibility, things like this wouldn't happen. Just a thought.

And the university's response? Probably a strongly worded email and a candlelight vigil. Maybe they'll even rename a building after George Floyd. That'll stop the bullets, right? Look, I'm not saying the injured students deserved this. But I am saying that personal choices have consequences. Staying out till 2 AM engaging in drunken brawls isn't exactly a recipe for a peaceful evening. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Honestly, this is just a microcosm of the larger societal decay. Nobody wants to take responsibility for anything anymore. Everyone's a victim. Everything's someone else's fault. Grow up, buttercups. The world isn't a safe space. It's a jungle. And sometimes, in the jungle, you get shot.

So, what's the solution? I dunno. Common sense? Personal responsibility? A healthy dose of skepticism towards the woke narrative? Good luck with that. In the meantime, I'm gonna stock up on ammo and enjoy the show. Because let's face it, this is just the beginning. Buckle up, folks. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. We’re living in clown world, after all.

And if you're one of those perpetually offended types who can't handle a little dark humor, well, bless your heart. Go back to your safe space and cry into your participation trophy. The rest of us have a world to save (or at least make fun of).

This event is less of a tragedy and more of a case study in societal collapse. The kids fighting probably never learned how to handle conflict outside of Twitter, and the shooter likely felt like he had no other choice. What a mess.

The biggest takeaway here: Don't be a moron. Avoid sketchy situations. And for the love of all that is holy, learn to fight. You know, actually fight, not just virtue signal on social media. Because when the SHTF, nobody's gonna be there to protect you. You're on your own, kid. So get your act together.

Seriously, can we bring back mandatory shop class? Or maybe just teach basic self-defense instead of critical race theory. I'm just spitballin' here.

Remember when college was affordable and kids were respectful? Pepperidge Farm remembers.