You really can’t make this stuff up. In the middle of an actual, boots-on-the-ground military invasion, the United States government decided to do what it does best: send a sternly worded letter warning an invading army about copyright infringement. Yes, you read that right. The U.S. Department of Energy has officially warned Russia’s state-owned nuclear company, Rosatom, that touching American technology at the captured Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant is "unlawful" under U.S. law.

The letter in question, dated March 17, 2023, was penned by Andrea Ferkile, the director of the Energy Department’s Office of Nonproliferation Policy. Addressed directly to the big boss at Rosatom, the letter points out that the plant in Enerhodar, Ukraine, contains "U.S.-origin nuclear technical data" that is export-controlled. Because apparently, when a foreign military rolls in with tanks and seizes Europe's largest nuclear power station, the biggest concern in Washington is whether they filled out the proper export compliance paperwork.

According to the Feds, these export controls exist because this technology could be used to undermine U.S. national security interests. It’s comforting to know that our bureaucratic class is staying laser-focused on the legalities of property rights in an active warzone. Surely, Russian forces—who have controlled the plant since February 2022—will read this letter, feel a sudden wave of civic guilt, and immediately stop managing the plant they spent months fighting to occupy.

The actual setup at the plant is pure clown world. Rosatom is officially managing the facility, but they don't actually know how to run the day-to-day operations, so they are forcing the Ukrainian staff to do the heavy lifting under gunpoint. It’s the ultimate "management vs. labor" meme, except with nuclear reactors and live ammunition.

Meanwhile, the plant keeps getting disconnected from the power grid because of intense shelling in the area. European nations are understandably sweating bullets over the prospect of a nuclear accident, while the Department of Energy is standing on the sidelines holding a clipboard, telling Russian citizens that touching the American-designed components is a very serious violation of U.S. domestic regulations.

"It is unlawful under United States law for non-authorized persons... to handle this technology," Ferkile warned. One can only imagine the sheer panic in Moscow upon realizing they might face a fine from the Department of Energy for operating a captured nuclear facility without a valid license.