WASHINGTON – Alright, listen up, you degenerate scofflaws. The Swamp Creatures at the State Department are about to drop the hammer on deadbeat parents who think they can skip out on child support and still jet off to Cancun for Spring Break. Starting Friday, if you owe a boatload in back child support, Uncle Sam's gonna yank your passport faster than you can say, 'But she's a gold digger!'

First, they're going after the big fish – the ones who owe $100K or more. That's like, a whole Tesla's worth of unpaid bills. Then, they're widening the net to anyone who owes over $2,500. That's basically everyone who bought a new Playstation instead of diapers. Thanks, Obama! (Even though it was actually a 1996 law. Details, details…)

The libs will whine about this being 'unfair' and 'disproportionately impacting' single moms with face tattoos. Boo hoo. Maybe if they spent less time virtue signaling on Twitter and more time teaching their kids about personal responsibility, this wouldn't be an issue.

Mora Namdar, some suit at the State Department, calls this a 'commonsense practice'. Ya think? It's about time someone realized that kids need food, clothes, and a decent education – not just avocado toast and gender studies classes. And frankly, it's cheaper than the woke programs the government keeps trying to force feed us anyway.

They're saying this crackdown has already worked. Since February, when they first hinted at this, 'hundreds of parents' magically found the money to pay up. Funny how that works, isn't it? Maybe they should try this with taxes, too. Imagine how much money we could save if people suddenly 'found' the cash to pay their fair share.

The State Department claims they've collected like $657 million since they started this program. That's real money. Enough to build a border wall... almost.

So, here's the deal: if you're behind on child support, start selling your Funko Pops and crypto gains. Get that debt paid, or kiss your European vacation goodbye. And for those of you who are current on your payments, congrats – you're actually being responsible. Now go buy yourself something nice. You earned it.

And to the government: keep the hammer coming. There are plenty of other ways to squeeze blood from these turnips. Start garnishing their OnlyFans accounts. Seize their NFTs. Send AOC to shame them on TikTok. Whatever it takes to get those kids the money they deserve.