Alright, autists, listen up. Elon's about to pull a fast one. SpaceX, the company that promises to yeet us all to Mars while simultaneously selling us Starlink internet that's only slightly faster than dial-up, is going public. And he's not just trying to fleece Wall Street elites; he's coming for your tendies.

Apparently, up to 30% of the shares are being earmarked for retail investors. Translation: he needs the average Joe (and Jane) to pump this thing to the moon. Why? Because institutional investors are starting to get wise to the whole “datacenters in space” thing. Sounds kinda sus, right?

Remember when Gamestop was squeezed by Redditors? This is like that, but on steroids, and with way more rockets. Elon knows his simps will line up to buy anything with his name on it. He's basically weaponizing parasocial relationships. Based, if you ask me.

He’s got 21 banks on board, probably sweating bullets wondering if this whole thing is gonna collapse like a Soylent factory. They're hosting a roadshow, including an event for 1,500 retail investors. Expect lots of talk about disruption, innovation, and colonizing the galaxy. Translation: MOON LAMBO, BABY!

Bret Johnsen, SpaceX's CFO (Chief Financial Officer, or as I call him, Chief Shill Officer), said retail investors have been “incredibly supportive” of Elon. No duh. They're basically funding his midlife crisis, one launch at a time.

The offering will be available in the UK, EU, Australia, Canada, Japan, and Korea. Basically, anywhere with internet access and a burning desire to escape this cursed planet. Who needs walkable cities when you can have Martian condos, am I right?

They're comparing this IPO to Google's. LOL. Remember when Google was just a search engine? Now it's an all-seeing surveillance state. Don't be surprised if SpaceX starts mining your brainwaves for cryptocurrency. Or maybe they already are…

SpaceX generated $15 to $16 billion in revenue last year, mostly from Starlink and government contracts. So, taxpayers are already funding this Ponzi scheme. Might as well get in on the ground floor, right? Worst case scenario, you lose all your money. Best case, you’re sipping cocktails on Mars while the Earth burns.

Bloomberg analyst George Ferguson thinks the satellite and space ventures are the real deal, but the xAI part is kinda sus. Translation: the AI stuff is just there to goose the valuation and scare the boomers. But solar powered space data centers are the future, I tell you hwat!

So, should you buy SpaceX stock? I'm not your financial advisor (and if you take financial advice from a guy who gets his news from 4chan, you deserve whatever happens). But remember: fortune favors the bold...and the ones who can stomach a healthy dose of hopium. Godspeed, retards.