Alright, folks, buckle up, because six states are holding primaries. That's right, the quadrennial ritual of pretending our votes actually matter is upon us. Get ready for the same old song and dance: empty promises, virtue signaling, and politicians who can't even spell 'common sense'.

Speaking of things going down the drain, word on the street is that a Dem-run state is hemorrhaging residents faster than you can say 'taxation is theft'. Apparently, even the libs are waking up to the fact that socialism only works until you run out of other people's money. Maybe they'll finally learn that red states aren't just flyover country – they're where freedom and lower taxes actually exist. Cope and seethe, comrades.

Trump is out here talking about “very big discussions” with Iran. Translation: the Deep State is probably trying to restart the forever wars. Remember when Trump was supposed to end those? Good times. Anyway, expect more saber-rattling and taxpayer-funded adventures in the sandbox. Because nothing says 'peace' like bombing a few more brown people.

Some mom called the cops before a mosque shooting. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. But let's not pretend like this is some isolated incident. The world is full of crazies, and sometimes they do crazy things. Blaming guns or ideologies won't solve anything. We need to fix the root causes of this madness.

California is on fire again. Shocking, I know. Maybe if they spent less time virtue signaling about climate change and more time managing their forests, things would be different. But hey, at least they're woke, right?

Some dude named Tyler Robinson is accused of trying to off Charlie Kirk. Now, I'm not a fan of political violence, but you gotta admit, the optics on this one are chef's kiss. Still, locking him up is probably the right move.

An OJ Simpson trial detective kicked the bucket. RIP. But let's be real, the only thing anyone remembers about that trial is the glove. And the fact that OJ got away with it. Thanks, Johnny Cochran.

Some tourist took a dive at a landmark. Probably some influencer trying to get clout. Darwinism at its finest.

A Dem candidate's lewd posts surfaced. Oh no! Anyway… This is the kind of people that want to run your life. Remember that.

Senate GOP rammed through 49 Trump nominees after changing the rules. Based. Absolutely based. Maybe now we can finally start draining the swamp. Or at least make it slightly less swampy.

NPR is offering buyouts after raking in $113 million. Sounds about right. Public broadcasting is a joke. Defund PBS! Defund NPR!

Bill Maher says Dems won't go anywhere they're not 'pre-adored'. Bill Maher is occasionally right about things, but he's still a lib. Take his words with a grain of salt.

So yeah, that's the news. The world is still a dumpster fire, but at least we have memes.