Alright, lads and lasses, gather 'round for another episode of 'Labour's Got Talent: Firing Squad Edition!' This week's star? Keir Starmer, aka Sir Snoozer, aka the guy who makes watching paint dry seem like an extreme sport. Turns out, the anticipated coup by Wes Streeting, the health secretary with the charisma of a damp dishcloth, failed to materialize. Shocking, I know.

Apparently, Streeting didn't have the 81 MPs needed to launch a proper challenge. Someone forgot to send the memo, or maybe they're all too busy perfecting their woke virtue signals. Starmer issued a 'put up or shut up' ultimatum, which probably sounded terrifying if you were a houseplant. The real ultimatum should be 'put up some actual policies people want'.

Streeting is scheduled to meet with Starmer on Wednesday. Translation: he's getting a stern talking-to and told to play nice. No 10 insiders are saying he's backing down, which is about as surprising as finding avocado toast at a hipster cafe.

"After all that, it’s looking like Wes may not have the numbers after all," some anonymous cabinet minister told the Guardian. No sh*t, Sherlock. The best thing for him now is to slink back into the shadows and plot his revenge for another day. Maybe he can team up with Andy Burnham, the Mayor of Manchester, who's been looking for a seat like a lost puppy.

Four ministers resigned, apparently in a coordinated effort. Coordinated? More like a bunch of toddlers throwing a tantrum because they didn't get their way. And over 90 Labour MPs want Starmer gone. Welcome to the party, pal! It only took you crashing and burning at the local elections to figure it out.

The unions are fighting amongst themselves, because of course they are. They can't even agree on whether Starmer should lead them into the next election, which is like asking if a penguin can fly. Ed Miliband was apparently ready to throw his hat in the ring if Streeting had actually gone for it. Talk about a blast from the past! Imagine Kingmaker Ed trying to revive his career.

Starmer, bless his heart, told his cabinet he'll fight on. He's like the Energizer bunny of mediocrity. "I take responsibility for these election results," he said. Yeah, right. Blame everyone but yourself, Keir. Classic politician move.

Deputy Prime Minister David Lammy is rallying the troops, while 110 backbenchers signed a letter saying it's not the time for a challenge. Translation: they're all terrified of losing their jobs. The swamp protects its own, after all. Starmer concludes, "The country expects us to get on with governing." LOL. Good one, Keir. You're a regular comedian.