So, Shell is expected to see their profits explode like a woke feminist's head when you mention Jordan Peterson. Apparently, war is good for business, especially when you're an oil behemoth sitting pretty amidst the chaos. Forget 'Drill, baby, drill,' it's 'Bomb, baby, profit!' now. $200 million to $700 million in profits, up from a measly $100 million last quarter. Must be nice.

Their oil trading desks are printing money faster than the Fed, and even their virtue-signaling 'renewable energy division' is getting in on the action. You just know the greenies are seething. But hey, gotta diversify those revenue streams, right? Especially when those pesky climate alarmists are trying to shut down your core business. Greenwashing, FTW!

Of course, it's not all sunshine and rainbows for Shell. Turns out, blowing things up in the Middle East has consequences. Their gas production is down thanks to some 'strikes' (read: bombings) at their Ras Laffan LNG complex in Qatar. Guess those ESG scores are gonna take a hit. Whoopsie!

So, production is down 5%, meaning we might have to pay even MORE at the pump. Thanks, Iran! Thanks, Biden! Thanks, globalist elites who are playing chess with our wallets! But don't worry, LNG Canada is ramping up production to (sort of) make up for it. Because Canada is totally stable and reliable, right? (Insert sarcastic laugh track here.)

Remember when gas prices spiked higher than Hunter Biden after a weekend bender? Iran flexing its muscles in the Strait of Hormuz will do that to ya. Oil dipped briefly after a 'ceasefire' (which will last approximately two weeks, tops), but it's still 50% higher than last year. Time to start hoarding gasoline, folks.

Shell's CEO, Wael Sawan, whined about potential energy shortages in Europe. Boo hoo. Maybe he should stop funding woke NGOs and start, I don't know, DRILLING MORE OIL? But that would be too simple, wouldn't it? Gotta virtue signal while lining your pockets. Classic.

Of course, Shell is 'working with governments' to address the crisis. Translation: lobbying for more handouts and sweetheart deals. The swamp runs deep, my friends. Deep and greasy with oil money.

South Asia, Southeast Asia, Northeast Asia, and now Europe are all feeling the pinch. But hey, at least Shell's shareholders are happy. That's all that really matters, right?