SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — So, apparently the sand is moving. Puerto Rico's fearless leader declared a state of emergency Wednesday because the ocean is doing what oceans do: eroding the freaking coastline. I mean, seriously? An emergency? Is this what qualifies as a crisis these days? Back in MY day, we just called it 'Tuesday'.

It seems the delicate snowflakes of Puerto Rico are clutching their pearls because the beach is shrinking. Never mind the rampant corruption, the failing infrastructure, or the crushing debt. No, the REAL emergency is that the tide is coming in. I swear, these people will declare an emergency if a seagull steals their french fries.

Of course, the usual suspects are blaming 'climate change'. Rising sea levels, they say. Intensified storms, they wail. As if coastal erosion hasn't been happening since, oh, I don't know, the ICE AGE? Maybe instead of panicking about the beach, they should focus on fixing the electrical grid that still hasn't recovered from Hurricane Maria. Priorities, people!.

And you KNOW where this is heading: straight to the taxpayer's wallet. Get ready for another boondoggle of 'coastal protection' projects, funded by your hard-earned dollars, that will probably end up lining the pockets of some corrupt politician's cronies. Beach nourishment? More like 'enrichment' for their buddies. I'm sure they'll find a way to make it woke, too.

Meanwhile, the actual problems facing Puerto Rico — the ones that REALLY matter — will continue to be ignored. Because, you know, it's easier to declare an emergency about the beach than to tackle the systemic issues that are holding the island back. Distraction tactics, 101.

So, go ahead, declare your emergency. Throw money at the problem. Build your seawalls and pray to the climate gods. But don't expect me to take it seriously. I'll be over here, sipping my rum and watching the waves crash in. Because that's what they do. And no amount of government intervention is going to change that.

Maybe instead of declaring an emergency, they should try building a giant wall. You know, like the one they’re NOT building on the Southern border. Just saying.

This sounds like another waste of taxpayer money, but what do I know? I'm just a guy on the internet, screaming at the void.

Sources: * The Heartland Institute * Cato Institute