Okay, folks, let's cut the woke baloney. Naomi Osaka showed up at the French Open looking like she raided a Mardi Gras parade, claiming she's channeling the Eiffel Tower at night. Sure, Jan. Meanwhile, real Americans are worried about gas prices and the border, not whether a tennis player’s dress sparkles enough.

First, she rolls out in some black getup by a “sustainable” designer – you know, because flying around the world to hit a tennis ball is totally carbon-neutral, right? Then, BAM! She rips it off to reveal a gold dress that probably blinded half the stadium. All while the umpire is busy figuring out pronouns and wondering if calling a fault is microaggressive.

Aryna Sabalenka, bless her heart, is out there pretending to love it, saying Osaka's expressing herself. Translation: she doesn't want to get canceled for noticing the emperor has no clothes (or, in this case, too much gold lamé).

Osaka claims she was worried about getting kicked off the court for being too shiny. Maybe she should be more worried about her forehand. I mean, she had backup dresses? Seriously? The rest of us are just trying to afford groceries, and she's got a closet full of couture tennis outfits. Eat the rich, am I right?

And don't even get me started on this Kevin Germanier guy, who's apparently saving the planet one overpriced corset at a time. Let's be real, this whole thing is just a virtue-signaling exercise wrapped in sequins and sold to the highest bidder.

Remember when tennis was about, you know, tennis? Now it's all about making statements. Maybe she should focus on winning instead of trying to win the award for “Most Woke Outfit.” I'm just saying, if I wanted to see someone sparkle, I'd go to a drag show, not a tennis match.

She gets to face Donna Vekic next. Maybe Vekic should show up in a MAGA hat. Now THAT would be a statement. Just kidding... unless?

Meanwhile, I'm gonna go grill some burgers and enjoy my freedom. Someone wake me up when tennis is about tennis again.