Okay, folks, let's be real. Norway's in the World Cup. Big deal. It's been a minute, I get it. Last time they were there, we were all worried about Y2K. Now we're worried about… everything else. Thanks, Obama.

But let's not pretend this is some massive, collective achievement. It's Haaland. It's always Haaland. The guy's a cheat code. Without him, Norway would be battling Liechtenstein for relevance in UEFA's basement.

So, congrats, Norway. You hitched a ride on the Haaland Express. Enjoy the scenery. Just don't start acting like you built the damn train.

The 2026 World Cup is gonna be woke central, hosted in the US, Canada, and Mexico. Expect kneeling, virtue signaling, and a whole lot of lectures about climate change. Maybe Haaland can score a few goals while everyone else is busy saving the planet. Or lecturing us about it.

Speaking of the US, Canada, and Mexico hosting the thing: remember when we were promised a secure border? Seems like a different lifetime, doesn't it?

But hey, at least we'll have soccer. Or "football," as the Europeans insist on calling it. Even though they mostly just flop around on the ground like dying fish. Haaland doesn't do that, though. He scores goals. And kicks ass. That’s the point.

I'm fully expecting Norway to get bounced in the group stage. They'll play one good game, everyone will get excited, and then they'll remember they're, well, Norway. No offense to the Norwegians out there. You make good sweaters.

Seriously, though, let's not get carried away. This isn't the Miracle on Ice. It's a really good striker playing for a mediocre team. Temper your expectations accordingly.

And for God's sake, someone get Haaland a decent barber. That Viking braid thing is not a good look.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch highlights of Haaland scoring goals and fantasize about a world where wokeness doesn't ruin everything. A man can dream, can't he?

In summary: Haaland good, Norway meh, World Cup probably woke.

Sources:

* FIFA regulations * UEFA team rankings