In today’s episode of Victorian Liberal Party Drama, the local authorities have officially pressed 'X to Doubt' on Moira Deeming's allegations of assault against fellow MP Matthew Guy. Late Thursday night, Victoria Police dropped a statement confirming they investigated the incident at a Sunshine West function hall and determined, in classic bureaucratic fashion, that "no offence" was detected.

Let’s look at the timeline of this absolute masterclass in political theater. The alleged 'assault' went down on May 23 at a Macedonian community event on Sommerville Road. Yet, somehow, the urge to contact law enforcement didn't strike Deeming until June 16—almost a full month later. To make things even more hilarious, the police explicitly noted that the 'victim' didn’t require any medical attention. Nothing says "serious physical altercation" like waiting three weeks to call the cops over a non-medical event.

Naturally, the internet was treated to a 26-second CCTV clip of the interaction, which apparently showed exactly nothing criminal. There’s also a deeply awkward Facebook selfie floating around of Matthew Guy smiling alongside Deeming and a bunch of community members at the same event. It’s the ultimate "moments before disaster" photo, proving once again that politicians will smile for any camera even if they absolutely despise the person standing next to them.

Matthew Guy isn't taking this sitting down, though. After getting cleared by the police, he immediately went on the offensive, calling the claims "ridiculous and unsubstantiated" and leaking to sources that he's looking into a spicy defamation lawsuit. Honestly, who can blame him? Getting accused of a public assault at a Macedonian hall is not exactly great for the resume, even if you are the opposition's public transport spokesperson.

Meanwhile, Opposition Leader Jess Wilson has been doing her best impression of a corporate HR representative. While the cops were sorting through this mess, Wilson refused to say a single word, hiding behind the classic shield of "due process" and "presumption of innocence." Her official statement basically boiled down to: 'Please stop looking at our garbage fire of a party, we have an election in November and we really need people to think we are normal.'

Wilson is currently heading up to Mildura for a press conference, where she will undoubtedly try to pivot to "issues that matter to Victorians" while reporters ask her twenty different ways about her MPs acting like reality television contestants. You truly cannot make this stuff up. The state Liberal party is supposedly trying to win an election in a few months, but they're too busy dodging imaginary punches at community venues.