DIRE DAWA, Ethiopia — So, get this. Dawit Tamru, some dude running a midwifery school in Ethiopia, had a MOMENT when his mom nearly kicked the bucket after popping out his little sister. Turns out, the local witch doctor—sorry, 'traditional birth attendant'—was clueless and thought she was about to birth a whole litter when it was just a freakin' placenta hanging around. Typical.

Midwives swooped in like the uterus superheroes they are and saved the day. Now, Little Dawit is all fired up about the 'global midwifery shortage.' Cue the violins. Apparently, the World Health Organization—you know, those paragons of virtue—say we're almost a MILLION midwives short. Shocked, I tell you. SHOCKED.

Daniela Drandić from the International Confederation of Midwives (try saying that five times fast) says Africa's got a big chunk of the shortage. But don't worry, they're 'doing a really good job' closing the gap. Translation: more virtue signaling and handouts, probably.

Some 'study' in the Lancet Global Health (more lib propaganda) claims that if every woman had access to a midwife, we could prevent, like, a bajillion deaths. Okay, maybe not a bajillion, but a LOT. Like, 4 million a year. So, basically, midwives are the key to world peace. Got it.

Geeta Lal from the UN Population Fund (defund them all!) is all over Ethiopia's success story. They went from, like, 1,000 midwives to over 20,000. Progress! Except, you know, they probably imported all the woke policies along with the midwives. Because everything has to be woke now.

So, what's Dawit doing about all this? He's putting up posters and giving speeches. Groundbreaking. Real 'boots on the ground' type stuff. Meanwhile, the rest of us are paying for it with our tax dollars.

Look, I get it. His mom almost died. That sucks. But turning it into a global cause? Spare me. Maybe instead of demanding more midwives, we should focus on personal responsibility. You know, eat healthy, maybe don't get knocked up every year, basic stuff.

And let's be honest, this whole thing is just another excuse for the globalists to push their agenda. More funding for 'women's health,' more control over our lives. Wake up, sheeple!

Next thing you know, they'll be forcing everyone to become a midwife. 'You WILL inspect uteri and you WILL like it!' I can see the headlines now.

So, yeah, congrats to Dawit for saving his mom or whatever. But maybe chill out with the global do-gooder act. The world has enough problems without adding 'midwife shortage' to the list. Besides, I'm pretty sure you can find a YouTube tutorial on how to deliver a baby these days. Just sayin'.

And if you need a midwife, just ask your neighbor. Everyone's a uterus expert now, right? Just kidding. Don't do that. Seriously, don't.

Oh, and one more thing: It's 2026. Why are we still talking about placentas? Get with the times, people.