BAMAKO, Mali – Remember Mali? Yeah, neither does anyone outside the Beltway. But apparently, there's a full-blown clustercluck brewing as the ruling junta, bless their hearts, is trying to not get completely yeeted into the Saharan abyss by a ragtag bunch of rebels. And who's holding their hand? Why, Papa Putin, of course!

So, what's the deal? Turns out, the Malian armed forces, who probably couldn't win a water balloon fight against a pack of toddlers, are launching airstrikes on the rebel-held town of Kidal. Good for them, I guess? Except these airstrikes are about as effective as Kamala Harris explaining inflation.

But fear not, comrades! Because Russia is here to save the day, providing the junta with state-of-the-art (circa 1985) military helicopters and a few thousand mercenaries who probably miss their babushkas. These brave warriors are protecting convoys and airlifting supplies to remote outposts, because apparently, the Malian army can't even deliver a pizza without getting ambushed.

The rebels, a delightful mix of Islamist extremists and Tuareg separatists (talk about a coalition of chaos!), are fighting back with ambushes, car bombs, and drone attacks. You know, the usual Saturday night activities in Mali. They even managed to off the Defense Minister in a suicide attack. Talk about an L.

Nina Wilén, some think-tanker from Brussels, says the junta is showing “resilience.” I'd call it desperation, but hey, what do I know? Maybe they’ll start selling NFTs to fund the war effort. That always works, right?

Despite the Russian assistance, the junta is losing ground faster than Biden’s approval rating. These airstrikes are about as accurate as Joy Behar’s political analysis. The rebel coalition is enforcing a strict blockade on Bamako, because starving the capital is totally a winning strategy for hearts and minds.

And the best part? The capital is under a tight curfew, and there’s a wave of arrests. You know, the kind of stuff that makes you want to move to Mali and join the fun. NOT.

Army commander Djibrilla Maiga claims that routes out of the capital remain open, and that they've “neutralized” several hundred “terrorists.” Yeah, and I’m the Queen of England. They probably “neutralized” a few goats and called it a day.

So, what’s the takeaway? Mali is a mess, the junta is doomed, Russia is playing geopolitical chess with other people's lives, and the only winners are defense contractors. Business as usual, folks. Business as usual. Grab your popcorn and watch the fireworks. Just don't expect a happy ending. This ain't Disney.