Okay, Zoomers, gather 'round, because Grandpa's got a story about authenticity, or rather, the complete lack thereof, in this clown world. Remember Liza Minnelli, daughter of Judy Garland? Yeah, the one who still kicks. Well, turns out her 'hand-signed' memoirs, 'Kids, Wait Till You Hear This!' – priced up to $250 for the privilege – might as well have been signed by a Roomba.

Apparently, some sharp-eyed autograph hounds noticed that every single signature looked suspiciously identical. Like, unnervingly so. Enter the autopen, that devilish device that replicates handwriting with robotic precision. Because, ya know, Liza's probably busy enough without having to ink her name on hundreds of books for Boomers with too much disposable income.

Gareth Brown, a self-proclaimed autograph collector, dropped £25 on a signed copy only to discover he'd been bamboozled. 'When you see footage of Liza today in her own documentary, she is far too frail to have signed a handful of books this accurately, let alone hundreds,' he whined to the Guardian. Welcome to reality, pal. Celebrities are brands, and brands don't have time for genuine human interaction. Especially not ones who've been around as long as Liza.

And it's not just Liza! Apparently, Bob Dylan pulled the same stunt back in '22. Who would have thought a counter-culture icon would sell out? Oh, wait, everyone. Sinead O'Connor even admitted to using a STAMP to sign 10,000 copies of her memoir. At least she was honest. (Well, eventually).

Justin Steffman, CEO of AutographCOA, basically confirmed what everyone already suspected: the autograph game is rigged. 'It has sadly been common for many celebrities to sell 'signed' merchandise featuring fake signatures,' he said. 'So uncovering that Liza Minnelli’s memoir features what looks like autopen-signed autographs was no surprise.' No kidding, Sherlock.

So, what's the takeaway here? Simple: don't trust anything. Especially not celebrities trying to squeeze a few extra bucks out of their dwindling relevance. The whole thing is a grift. A performance. A Kabuki dance with commerce. But we all knew that, right?

This whole charade is just another reminder that the world is becoming increasingly artificial. From AI-generated music to digitally-replicated signatures, the lines between reality and simulation are blurring faster than ever. And the sad part is, people are actually paying for it. Paying for the illusion of connection, the fantasy of owning something 'real' in a world of digital fakery.

Maybe it's time to stop chasing these manufactured moments and find something genuine. Like, I don't know, a sunset? A conversation with a real human being? Or just accepting the fact that Liza Minnelli probably doesn't give a flying fig about your autograph collection. Harsh, but true.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go yell at a cloud and contemplate the inevitable heat death of the universe.