Alright, listen up, buttercups. The New Economics Foundation, that bastion of progressive thought where economics goes to die, has a brilliant new plan: let's just tax those evil oil companies and give everyone 'free' energy! I'm sure that will totally solve the energy crisis and not create any unintended consequences whatsoever. eyeroll

So, the NEF, bless their pointy little heads, wants the government to guarantee every household enough juice to heat two rooms (who only heats two rooms?), run their fridge (critical) and washing machine (also critical). This 'generosity' would be funded by, you guessed it, even MORE taxes on those dastardly North Sea oil and gas companies who are, apparently, solely responsible for all the world's problems.

The estimated cost? A measly £4.5 billion. Pocket change! That's roughly the same as the 'windfall' in taxes these oil companies are supposedly raking in because of the Iran war (which, by the way, Trump fixed, MAGA!). Except, surprise surprise, oil prices are already dropping because peace is breaking out. So, where's the money gonna come from then, geniuses? Unicorn farts?

And get this – this brilliant scheme is supposed to 'protect the poorest' while still 'exposing the richest to the market.' As if rich people are actually affected by their energy bills. They're probably heating their swimming pools with the tears of unemployed coal miners. But sure, let's pretend this is about equity.

According to the NEF, this would save everyone a whopping £160 a year. That's like, two tanks of gas. Or one overpriced avocado toast in London. Meanwhile, they claim it's a 'saving of about 17% for those on low incomes compared with 11% for wealthier people.' So, the poors get a slightly bigger pittance. How revolutionary!

Alex Chapman, some senior economist from NEF who probably has a PhD in interpretive dance, claims other countries are doing this already. Japan? South Korea? China? India? Yeah, those are all shining beacons of economic freedom and sound fiscal policy. Let's just blindly copy everything they do, what could possibly go wrong?

Chapman, dripping with righteous indignation, whines that the government didn't 'curb the excessive profits' of energy companies during the last crisis. Newsflash, commie: companies are allowed to make profits. That's how capitalism works! And if you punish them for being successful, they'll just pack up and leave, taking all their jobs and tax revenue with them. Then who's gonna pay for your 'free' energy, genius?