New York – So, two planes nearly kissed mid-air over JFK. Flightradar24 says they were only 500 feet apart. Yikes. Remember that 'Final Destination' movie? Yeah, starting to feel a little too real, folks. All thanks to the FAA, where apparently ‘close enough’ is the new standard for aviation safety. Buckle up, buttercups.

One plane was a Delta Connection flight, probably full of normies trying to get to their timeshare. The other was some fancy-pants Cirrus SR22, probably flown by a trust fund kid who thinks he's Maverick from 'Top Gun'. Glad everyone's okay... this time.

The FAA, bless their hearts, assures us that “the required separation was maintained.” Right. Because 500 feet is totally chill when you're hurtling through the sky at hundreds of miles per hour. We're sure the pilots were just exchanging pleasantries and comparing their frequent flyer miles.

Let's not forget the United flight in New Jersey that decided to make friends with a light pole and a bakery truck. Birds of a feather, am I right? Are they training pilots with Xbox controllers now? Because that's the only explanation for this level of incompetence.

But hey, at least they’re investigating! You know, like they always do after something almost goes kablooey. Maybe they'll uncover some deep state conspiracy involving chemtrails and lizard people. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the swamp failing upward, per usual.

The NTSB is also on the case, because obviously, we need more government agencies involved. More paperwork, more meetings, more finger-pointing. Because that's how you fix problems, right? Just throw more bureaucracy at it until it magically disappears.

So, what's the solution? Privatize air traffic control? Unleash Elon Musk to build a better system? At this point, I'd trust a flock of pigeons to do a better job. Just saying.

Maybe it's time to start investing in blimps. Or learning how to teleport. Because relying on the FAA to keep us safe is like trusting Kamala to solve the border crisis. It's just not gonna happen.

In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled, say a prayer to your favorite deity, and maybe invest in a parachute. Just in case.

Wake up, sheeple. Our skies are being run by the same clowns who gave us the Iraq War, the 2008 financial crisis, and Bud Light's woke marketing campaign. This is what happens when competence and common sense get sacrificed at the altar of diversity and inclusion. Fly safe... or don't. Your call.

Sources:

* Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) – for the official (and obviously sanitized) version of events. * National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) – for the inevitable report that will collect dust on a shelf. * Flightradar24 – for the data they probably don't want you to see. * Wikipedia – because researching is hard, and facts are for losers.