CAIRO — So, Iran's back online, kinda. After pulling the plug for months – conveniently during some spicy protests – the mullahs have decided to let their citizens back onto the Information Superhighway…or, more like a dirt road with potholes.

Remember back in January when the Iranian regime had a little hissy fit and shut down the internet faster than you can say 'Death to America'? They blamed it on military necessity after Israel and the US gave them a light tap on the shoulder. Sure, Jan. More like a preemptive strike against TikTok revolutionaries.

Netblocks says Iran's at 86% connectivity. Kentik's saying 40% traffic. Translation: They turned the lights back on, but only some of the outlets work. It’s like that one sketchy motel room we all know. You plug in your phone, and the TV dies. Amir Rashidi gets it. "It's too early to say the shutdown is over," he tweets. No kidding, Sherlock.

This whole internet blackout wasn't just about silencing dissent; it was an economic disasterclass. Imagine trying to run your OnlyFans account with no internet. The youths, who were hustling online, saw their income evaporate faster than a Bitcoin crash. Online businesses went belly up. Another brilliant move by the geniuses in charge.

Families couldn't even meme each other properly. One woman couldn't talk to her sons abroad – probably plotting their escape. A taxi driver just wants to use WhatsApp, the poor bastard. But fear not, citizen, Big Brother is watching! All for security, of course. And free elections. And world peace.

Prices spiked faster than AOC's disapproval rating. $7.50 a gig? Highway robbery! Now it's down to $2.25 for 30 gigs. Still a ripoff. And don’t even think about logging onto Insta without your VPN. Costs are soaring. Because sticking it to the man comes at a price.

Businesses are tentatively crawling back online, but the scars are there. A gamer in Isfahan got Thanos-snapped from YouTube. "Erased from the algorithm," he wails. Welcome to the club, pal. The revolution will not be streamed.

The mullahs claim this was all a wartime thing. Okay, boomer. We know the drill. Control the narrative, control the people. But hey, at least you can now download cat videos at a slightly less glacial pace. Progress!

So, Iranians are back online. For now. Enjoy it while it lasts, because the moment someone farts in the wrong direction, the plug will be pulled faster than you can say "Allahu Akbar."