Another heatwave, another round of idiots deciding to go for a dip in whatever stagnant pond they can find. Turns out, physics doesn't care about your pronouns or your feelings. Water's cold, especially in May, and if you jump in like a moron, you're gonna have a bad time.

The UK's experiencing a bit of a heatwave, and as usual, the local news is full of stories about people who thought they were Aquaman, only to discover they're actually just land mammals who can't breathe underwater. Seven of them, at least, have taken the permanent dirt nap in recent days. The usual suspects are blaming 'climate change' and 'inequality.' Sure, Jan.

Dr. Heather Massey, some academic at the University of Portsmouth, is bleating about 'supervised swimming locations.' Translation: We need more government nannying and less personal responsibility. Newsflash: Common sense isn't common, and you can't legislate away stupidity.

The National Water Safety Forum is wringing its hands over statistics. Yawn. Last year's data showed a predictable spike in drownings during the summer months. Who could have guessed? Maybe instead of funding diversity initiatives, these orgs could teach people to swim or, better yet, not jump into freezing water.

Cold water shock is the culprit, allegedly. But here's a thought: Maybe don't dive headfirst into a lake if you're not built for it. Personal responsibility, folks. Look it up.

Bournemouth University did a study (funded by your tax dollars, no doubt) that 'found' (duh) that drowning deaths are higher when it's hot. Groundbreaking stuff. The study also 'found' that most victims are men. Because men are more likely to do dumb stuff. It's science.

So, the next time you're tempted to take a refreshing dip in a local waterway, remember these Darwin Award nominees. Think before you leap, folks. The gene pool will thank you.