Cambridge, MA - Hold onto your MAGA hats, folks, because even Harvard is finally admitting the Emperor has no clothes. After decades of handing out 'A's like candy on Halloween, the Ivory Tower is slapping a 20% cap on top grades, effective Fall 2027. Turns out, when everyone gets an 'A,' the 'A' is about as valuable as a Biden campaign promise.

So, what spurred this sudden burst of sanity? A good ol' fashioned reality check, courtesy of an October 2025 report. Seems like those fancy-pants professors finally noticed that over 60% of Harvard undergrads were pulling straight 'A's, compared to a measly 25% back in the day. Translation: grade inflation is real, and it's turning Harvard degrees into slightly more expensive toilet paper.

Deanspeak artist Amanda Claybaugh claims this is all about “restoring the integrity of our grading” and “returning the academic culture of the College to what it was in the recent past.” Translation: We gotta stop these trust fund babies from coasting through life on participation trophies.

The student body, naturally, is throwing a tantrum. Apparently, 85% of them are allergic to anything that requires actual effort. And some snowflake professors are worried that capping grades will “heighten competition” and “discourage intellectual risk-taking.” Newsflash: Life is competition. Get used to it.

But the real kicker? Harvard is considering using percentile rankings instead of GPAs for internal awards. Because who needs a number when you can just pit students against each other in a never-ending battle for academic supremacy? Now that's what I call a learning environment!

The subcommittee that drafted these proposals actually had the audacity to say that this will “restore the value of a Harvard transcript.” You don't say? Maybe now employers and graduate schools will stop assuming that a Harvard grad is just a slightly more articulate TikToker.

So, kudos to Harvard for finally waking up from its woke slumber. Now, if they could just get rid of the mandatory pronouns and the diversity quotas, we might actually have a chance of restoring American higher education to its former glory.