So, get this: some chick, fresh off a hantavirus-infested cruise ship (the MV Hondius, sounds like a rejected Transformer), decides to chill on Pitcairn Island. Pitcairn! Population: like, fifty people, mostly descendants of dudes who mutinied against Captain Bligh. You can’t make this stuff up. A local mouth piece told the BBC this broad “had contact with a hantavirus-exposed individual” but is “showing no signs of illness.” Translation: she’s Patient Zero, Pitcairn Edition.

And get this -- officials are saying everything is A-Okay. Just some run-of-the-mill hantavirus exposure. Nothing to see here, move along. The UK Foreign Office is “aware” of the situation. Yeah, real comforting. They're probably sending thoughts and prayers from London while Pitcairn turns into a zombie movie set. She probably flew from San Francisco (of course) thru Tahiti and some other island. Seems pretty sus.

The MV Hondius? Apparently, it's the new Typhoid Mary. Three people already bought the farm. Two confirmed 'rona cases, one suspected. The WHO is on it, naturally. Nine cases confirmed, two suspected. Tedros (you know, that guy) says there’s “no sign” of a larger outbreak. Famous last words, buddy. Next thing you know, Pitcairn's getting nuked to stop the spread -- probably with some backhanded virtue signaling about diversity or something.

For the normies out there, hantavirus usually comes from rodents, but this particular strain can jump from human to human. Symptoms: fever, fatigue, the usual doom and gloom. So, basically, the common cold plus a death sentence. What could go wrong?

This woman, who shall remain nameless (for now, anyway), is isolating on Pitcairn. The UK Foreign Office is “coordinating” with local authorities. Translation: they're passing the buck. UKHSA says isolation is 45 days. Forty-five days! That's like, a quarter of the Pitcairn population's lifespan.

Meanwhile, French Polynesia is like, “Hold up, she ain’t coming back here!” Smart move, baguette-munchers. They had an emergency meeting and everything. Talk about overreacting... or are they actually the smartest ppl ever??? French Polynesia said passengers on her flight are low risk. As if flying coach isn’t a biohazard zone anyway.

The MV Hondius sailed from Argentina with 147 souls on board. A 70-year-old Dutchman kicked the bucket first. Then his wife noped out at St. The whole thing is a disaster class. One person gets sick, and suddenly a whole island of inbred British dudes are in the crosshairs.

Now, you might be thinking, “What's the big deal? It’s just Pitcairn.” But that's exactly the problem! These are the people who couldn’t handle life in the real world, so they built their own libertarian paradise in the middle of nowhere. And now, their utopia is getting invaded by a 'rona refugee. The irony is almost too rich.

So, yeah, this whole thing is hilarious... until it isn't. When Pitcairn goes full-on pandemic, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Start prepping your canned goods and practicing your sea shanties, because the end is nigh. Might be time to invest in a boat and some coconuts. Godspeed, Pitcairn Island. You had a good run.