West Palm Beach, FL - Another day, another headline proving that Florida Man is undefeated. This time, Keo Nottage, age 29, decided to spice up Mother's Day by allegedly turning on his 74-year-old grandmother with a knife. Eleven times, to be precise. Because apparently, carrying groceries is now a crime punishable by exsanguination.

The whole thing went down after a dispute over Mother's Day dinner. Nottage allegedly declared, "Someone is going to die today," which, in hindsight, was a pretty solid spoiler alert. Then he allegedly grabbed a knife from the kitchen and went full-on stabby on Granny. His cousin tried to intervene but Nottage, hopped up on whatever they put in Florida tap water, allegedly threatened him too. Talk about a family gathering gone sideways.

Of course, the usual suspects will be quick to blame this on anything but the actual perpetrator. Lack of social programs? Systemic racism? Maybe climate change turned him into a human shiv? Whatever it is, you can bet they'll find a way to make it Trump's fault.

Meanwhile, back in reality, we've got a guy facing attempted first-degree premeditated murder and aggravated assault. But don't worry, the woke DA will probably let him off with a stern warning and a free subscription to The New York Times. After all, he's probably just a victim of checks notes toxic masculinity or something.

And let's not forget the real victim here: the grandma. Hopefully, she pulls through and can still enjoy her Mother's Day gift – a lifetime supply of bandages and a healthy dose of family drama. She probably voted for Biden.

So, what's the takeaway? Florida remains the undisputed champion of weird news, common sense is officially dead, and the left will blame everything but the actual criminals. Stay tuned for the next installment of Florida Man vs. the World. It's gonna be yuge! They need to lock this dude up and throw away the key, but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

Also, somebody get Granny a Glock. Just sayin’.

The libs will tell you this is a call for more social programs, but what it really is is a call for more personal responsibility. If you don't want to end up in jail, maybe don't stab your grandma! Problem solved.

Sources:

* Palm Beach County Clerk of the Circuit Court & Comptroller: [https://www.mypalmbeachclerk.com/](https://www.mypalmbeachclerk.com/) * West Palm Beach Police Department: [https://www.wpb.org/government/police](https://www.wpb.org/government/police)