CLACHAN, Scotland – You can't make this stuff up, folks. The geniuses at the Argyll and Bute Council have decided that the best way to improve a perfectly good, 233-year-old bridge – the 'Bridge over the Atlantic', no less – is to install traffic lights. Because, you know, progress. And safety. (Insert eye-roll emoji here).

Apparently, this masterstroke of urban planning is intended to address… checks notes …three 'slight' collisions in the last 25 years. That's right, folks. Three. In a quarter of a century. Sounds like a real crisis requiring immediate, taxpayer-funded intervention. What's next, declaring war on squirrels because one of them maybe scratched a car?

And the best part? The locals – you know, the people who actually live there and, gasp, use the bridge – weren't even consulted. Fourth-generation islander Sarah Nicholson only found out about it when the roadworks started. 'There was no contact from the council,' she said. 'We only found out about the plan when workmen started digging up the road.' Real sensitive, guys. Real sensitive. Gotta love the smell of democracy in action, am I right?

Local councillor Julie McKenzie, bless her heart, organized a petition that got 1,500 signatures – three times the local population. That's what we call 'a mandate,' folks. But will the council listen? Don't hold your breath. Bureaucrats gonna bureaucrat.

Historic Environment Scotland (HES) is playing the usual 'it's not our problem' game, saying it's up to the council to figure out what 'consents' are needed. Which basically means they're washing their hands of the whole thing. Classic.

Meanwhile, the Bridge over the Atlantic, a perfectly charming piece of Scottish history, is about to get a hefty dose of modern ugliness. Thanks, Argyll and Bute Council. You're doing great. Real great. (Send tweet).

I bet this whole thing is just an excuse for some council member's buddy to get a sweet contract installing the lights. Follow the money, people. Follow the money.

This is why we can't have nice things. This is why everything is terrible. And this is why you should always, always distrust anyone who says 'We're from the government, and we're here to help.' Because they're probably about to install traffic lights on your favorite bridge.