Okay, so CNN's little shopping hub, CNN Underscored, just dropped its annual Earth Week virtue-signal-a-thon. Apparently, the way to own the libs and save the planet is to buy…more stuff. Specifically, stuff that costs three times as much and probably works half as well as the regular stuff.

This year's list features the usual suspects: overpriced beauty products, outdoorsy gear for trust fund kids, and home goods that scream “I care about the planet, even though I just flew to Bali for a yoga retreat.” They claim to have 'tested' dozens of products, conveniently skipping over the part where the 'testing' probably consisted of someone in a Brooklyn apartment smearing organic face cream on their sustainably-sourced beard.

First up, we've got the Alpyn Beauty Barrier Repair Cream, because apparently your skin barrier is more important than, say, securing the border. This miracle cream is made with 'wildcrafted ingredients' from Wyoming, which I’m pretty sure is code for 'expensive'. And because no woke product is complete without a donation to a vaguely defined cause, a portion of every purchase goes to 'rewilding efforts' for Grand Teton National Park. I’m sure the wolves appreciate your $60 moisturizer.

Then there’s Function of Beauty Wavy Hair Shampoo, for the low, low price of $10. Because regular shampoo is, like, totally destroying the planet. I wonder how many barrels of oil it took to ship this 'customizable' shampoo to your doorstep? Probably more than it would have taken to just wash your hair with actual dirt.

And let's not forget the Ethique Solid Shampoo. I mean, who needs a plastic bottle when you can have a bar of soap that dissolves into a mushy mess in your shower? Zero waste, baby! Unless you count the packaging it came in, the fuel it took to get to your local bougie health food store, or the water it takes to wash the goo off your skin.

Look, I'm all for not trashing the place, but let's be real. Buying overpriced crap from CNN isn't going to solve climate change. It's going to line the pockets of corporations that are pretending to care about the environment while simultaneously lobbying for policies that benefit their bottom line. What if, instead of buying products from woke brands, we focused on personal responsibility with the products we already have? What if we taught the next generation to be conservative about the products we purchase?

Here's a thought: instead of obsessing over 'sustainable' shampoo, maybe we should focus on energy independence, supporting American businesses that don't hate America, and stop listening to celebrities who lecture us about climate change while flying around in private jets. And maybe, just maybe, we should stop taking shopping advice from CNN.

So, go ahead and buy your 'sustainable' products. Feel good about yourself for a few minutes. Just remember that you're not saving the planet. You're just participating in a giant marketing scam designed to make you feel guilty and open your wallet. You're just helping the elite take our money.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wash my hair with dish soap. It gets the job done, and it doesn't cost $17 a bar. And maybe after that, I'll do the world a solid and drive my gas guzzling SUV to the nearest Chick-Fil-A. FREEDOM.

Besides, shouldn’t we really be making fun of people who buy this junk in the first place?

Buy local, support small businesses, and do what’s right. Not what CNN tells you to do. And whatever you do, stop wasting money.