Welcome to the absolute clown show that is New York City politics. In a Tuesday night massacre that has establishment Democrats coping and seething, a slate of actual socialists backed by Mayor Zohran Mamdani completely bodied their moderate opponents. It was an absolute wipeout, proving once and for all that the mainstream Democratic party has zero control over the monster they've spent years incubating in the Big Apple.

Mayor Mamdani, who took the crown in January after pulling off his own shock primary win last June, just flexed his political muscles and showed everyone who the real boss of New York is. All three of his hand-picked candidates—Brad Lander, Claire Valdez, and Darializa Avila Chevalier—won their primaries and are now cruising toward a free ride into Congress this November against whatever sacrificial lamb the Republicans put up.

Comrade Mamdani was absolutely riding high after the sweep, basically telling the establishment that their reign of terror is over. "I think it was an incredible night," Mamdani gloated. "It is an incredible night and I think New Yorkers have shown that last June was not the end, it was the beginning." Translation: buy some sturdy locks, because the commies are just getting warmed up.

The absolute funniest outcome of the night went down in the 13th Congressional District. Longtime establishment gatekeeper Rep. Adriano Espaillat, who has been chilling in Congress since 2017 and chairs the Congressional Hispanic Caucus, got absolutely eviscerated by Mamdani’s star pupil, Darializa Avila Chevalier.

Avila Chevalier is a walking, talking caricature of far-left Twitter. Her campaign resume includes calling the United States a "f------ disgrace," demanding the complete abolition of borders and prisons, and casually declaring that Israel "doesn't exist." Her peak policy proposal? She literally argued that illegal immigrants who commit crimes should never be deported, no matter how bad the crime is. And New York Democrats looked at this and said, "Yeah, that’s our representative." You literally cannot make this up.

Not to be outdone in the clown department, Claire Valdez also secured a win, proving that Mamdani’s endorsement is basically a cheat code in NYC right now. Her platform was the standard copy-paste job of socialist economics and open hostility to ICE, which apparently plays great with the local electorate.

Over in the 10th Congressional District, we saw the tragic fall of Rep. Dan Goldman, the ultimate establishment golden boy. Goldman, who has been in Congress since 2022, was the lead lawyer for the Trump impeachment circus and was hyped up by the media as a rising star. But none of his anti-Trump clout could save him from getting absolutely rolled by Mamdani’s boy, Brad Lander.

The race in the 10th was basically a competition to see who could hate Israel more. Lander successfully bullied Goldman by slamming his votes for U.S. military aid to Israel and calling him out for refusing to call the war in Gaza a "genocide." Goldman tried to play the "moderate" card by defending Israel's right to exist, but in today’s NYC, that’s a one-way ticket to getting canceled.

Goldman’s concession speech was a masterclass in sad-trombone energy. He warned about "antisemitic tropes" being the "undoing of our democracy," which is a pretty wild thing to say about your own primary voters. To put the cherry on top of his miserable week, a local Brooklyn coffee shop literally banned him the day before the election just for being pro-Israel. Imagine being a sitting US Congressman and getting kicked out of a hipster cafe because you didn't hate our allies enough.

This primary was a massive, glowing L for high-ranking Democrat boomers like Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries, who are currently watching their party get hijacked in real-time. The New York City Democratic Socialists of America, who ran at least a dozen candidates, are running circles around the old guard.

So, as Lander, Valdez, and Avila Chevalier prepare to cruise into Congress this November, the rest of the country gets to watch the progressive utopia speedrun its way to total collapse. Grab your popcorn, folks, because the NYC circus is coming to Washington, and it’s going to be wild.

Sources * New York City Board of Elections, Official Primary Election Return Records (vote.nyc) * United States House of Representatives, Office of the Clerk, Congressional Member Registry (clerk.house.gov) * Office of the Mayor of New York City, Executive Records and Mayoral Archive (nyc.gov)