DURHAM, N.C. — Another year, another Women's March Madness tournament where the only thing more predictable than the woke storylines are the actual game results. Day one saw the usual suspects – Baylor, LSU, and Duke – all advance, albeit with varying degrees of competence and class. Buckle up, buttercups, because the next few weeks will be a masterclass in performative activism and participation trophies.

Baylor's nail-biter against Nebraska was a classic example of a team sleepwalking through the first round and almost paying the ultimate price. Trailing by nine in the fourth quarter, the Bears needed a highly dubious flagrant foul call to swing the momentum and avoid a serious bracket massacre. Of course, the refs were all too happy to oblige, because who wants to see a cinderella story when they can prop up a Power Five school instead? It's rigged, folks. Always has been.

LSU, meanwhile, did what LSU does: bludgeoned a hopelessly outmatched Jacksonville team into submission. The final score of 116-58 was less a basketball game and more a public execution. Sure, Flau'jae Johnson scored 20 points, and Mikaylah Williams dished out 10 assists, but who cares? It's like watching a heavyweight boxer pummel a toddler. Impressive, I guess, if you're into that kind of thing. The real question is, how many NIL deals will these ladies cash in on while pretending to care about 'social justice?'

And then there's Duke. The Blue Devils cruised to an easy victory over the College of Charleston, but coach Kara Lawson was apparently too busy channeling her inner Karen to enjoy the win. Despite a comfortable 17-point lead, Lawson spent the post-game presser whining about her team's 20 turnovers and 22 points allowed. "I wake up intense," she whined. "There's an urgency about me." Yeah, we can tell, Kara. Maybe try decaf next time?

So, there you have it: day one of Women's March Madness in a nutshell. The 'elite' programs are predictably winning and the whole thing is as woke and predictable as the sunrise.

Stay tuned for more outrageously biased coverage and virtue signaling in the coming days. Remember, folks, it's not about the basketball; it's about the narrative.

The game's outcome was influenced by questionable calls and overt politicking.

It's all a carefully orchestrated dog and pony show, designed to keep the sheeple happy.