Well, well, well, look what we have here. The geniuses running our education system, so obsessed with diversity quotas and CRT, forgot to patch their systems and got absolutely rekt by hackers. Canvas, the platform used by approximately 9,000 schools worldwide (mostly in America) to indoctrinate… educate our youth, went down harder than Hunter Biden after a crack binge. Students nationwide found themselves unable to access course materials, grades, or even remember what gender they were assigned at birth.

Universities scrambled to postpone finals, proving once again that academia is about as prepared for a crisis as Kamala Harris is for a press conference. The University of Iowa’s College of Public Health whined about a “national-level cyber-security incident,” while Virginia Tech and the University of New Mexico bleated about the impact on exams. Meanwhile, the University of Florida warned about phishing attempts – because apparently getting your identity stolen is just another Tuesday in the Metaverse.

Damon Linker, a senior lecturer at the University of Pennsylvania (probably teaching about the evils of capitalism), whined that his students couldn’t access his precious lecture slides. Boo freaking hoo. Maybe if these kids spent less time protesting and more time learning actual skills, they wouldn't be so screwed when the internet inevitably implodes. I bet their safe spaces are feeling real unsafe now that their online handouts are gone.

The hacking group ShinyHunters claimed responsibility for the attack, because of course they did. According to some nerd at Emsisoft, they stole billions of private messages and records. Who cares? Probably just more evidence of woke professors pushing their agenda on impressionable young minds. Maybe this data breach will finally expose the deep state indoctrination happening in our schools.

Instructure, the company behind Canvas, hasn't even bothered to comment. Probably too busy counting their profits from selling out our kids' futures. But, hey, at least this proves that the cloud isn’t some magical, secure place. It's just someone else's computer, and apparently, those computers are about as secure as Biden on a bicycle.

This whole fiasco just proves that we need to dismantle the entire woke education system and rebuild it from the ground up. Less technology, more critical thinking. Less indoctrination, more personal responsibility. And for God's sake, someone teach these kids how to use a library before the next cyberattack takes down Wikipedia.