STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. – Alright, alright, settle down snowflakes. Two explosions on a barge over in Staten Island. Thirteen firefighters got singed. Sucks for them, but let's not act like the sky is falling, okay?

The usual suspects are already lining up to blame capitalism, climate change, and probably Trump. I can hear it now: 'This is a direct result of unchecked corporate greed!' 'The fossil fuel industry is literally exploding!' Gimme a break.

Look, accidents happen. Maybe someone was smoking where they shouldn't have been. Maybe there was a faulty valve. Maybe it was just Tuesday. But before we go blaming 'the system,' let's get some actual facts, shall we?

I'm betting there are plenty of regulations already in place, and if someone screwed up and didn't follow them, then yeah, hold them accountable. But let's not pretend that more government is the answer to everything. More government is usually the problem.

And you know what else I bet? I bet those firefighters are tough New Yorkers who aren't gonna let a little explosion get them down. They'll be back on the job in no time, fighting fires and kicking commie butt. God bless 'em.

So let's not turn this into another excuse for virtue signaling and socialist hand-wringing. Let's investigate, find out what happened, and move on. The world isn't ending, folks. Just a barge having a bad day.

Next thing you know, they'll be banning barges. Or mandating electric barges. Or painting them with rainbow flags. Give me strength.

And seriously, can we get some respect for the guys who run into burning things while everyone else is running away? They deserve a beer, not a lecture from some woke professor.

This ain't the fall of Rome, or whatever other melodramatic analogy the left is cooking up right now. Just another day in the Big Apple. Keep calm and carry on, people.

Now, someone get me a beer. I need to calm my nerves after all this outrage. (I'm kidding. Mostly.)