Alright, listen up, snowflakes. Some eggheads over at the University of Lancashire just dropped a bombshell study in Ecology and Evolution: birds like to get their freak on, just like the rest of us. And apparently, some of you cuckoo bird owners are trying to cockblock your pets. Seriously?

Dr. Chloe Heys, some evolutionary ecologist (probably woke), basically said your parrot's alone time is A-OK. Turns out, this ain't no 'response to captivity' like the bird-brained believed. This is nature, baby! Turns out, these birds are doing the deed in the wild more often than the ones locked up.

These soy-sipping vets, trying to push hormone therapies and DESEXING surgeries on innocent birds? Bonkers! Leave the poor bird alone. Removing perches? Dude, that's like taking away a man's recliner. It's just cruel.

"Our big finding is that masturbation is not a negative response to captivity," Dr. Heys said. "This is widespread in birds and we found it’s a perfectly natural and healthy behaviour that’s part of their repertoire of sexual behaviours."

So, what are these birds doing, exactly? Well, the dudes are humping perches, toys, your hand, your shoulder – whatever's handy. Ladies are lifting their tails like they're auditioning for a birdy burlesque show. And the best part? No Catholic guilt. Pure, unadulterated avian pleasure.

These bird owners are reaching out to vets worried their bird is doing a heckin' bad thing. Seriously? The world is ending, the elites are eating bugs, and you're worried about your cockatiel's right to self-pleasure? Get a grip.

If you've got a problem with it, maybe YOU'RE the problem. Get over yourself. Your bird's not judging your pathetic existence, so extend the same courtesy.

"Vets shouldn’t be advising owners to stop birds doing this unless it’s obviously caused a chronic problem like a prolapse, but that’s the absolute minority of cases,” Heys added.

So, next time you see your feathered friend getting frisky, just turn away and mind your own business. It's none of your concern. And for God's sake, don't call your vet. They've got more important things to do, like figuring out how to inject us with the mark of the beast through a flu shot. Wake up, sheeple!