HARARE, Zimbabwe – Paul Templer, a certified gigachad from Zimbabwe, turned a routine canoe safari into a real-life episode of 'Man vs. Wild' when he got a little too close and personal with a local hippo. Turns out, even in the woke dystopia, hippos still bite. The lefties probably want to cancel hippos now for 'toxic masculinity' or some BS.

So, here's the deal: Templer, a cool 28 back in '96, was running tours on the Zambezi, showing off the local wildlife to some fancy-pants tourists. He knew the river like the back of his hand, but sometimes, even the most seasoned guides run into a spicy situation. One minute you're paddling along, the next you're playing tonsil hockey with a three-ton river horse.

The article says he was 'up to his waist down a hippo's throat.' That's one way to put it. I'd say he took a bite out of adventure, and adventure bit back. This ain't your grandma's kayaking trip, snowflake. This is Africa.

Apparently, some other guide, probably a soyboy, got yeeted out of his canoe by the hippo, and Templer, being the alpha he is, went to rescue him. That's when the chomping happened. No participation trophies here, folks, just raw Darwinism in action.

Now, the libs will spin this as a failure of safety regulations or some other woke nonsense. 'Oh, we need more studies on hippo aggression!' 'We need to decolonize the Zambezi!' Give me a break. This is the real world, and sometimes, the real world bites – literally.

Seriously though, the incident highlights the kind of people who keep society running. While the other guide was getting dunked on, Templer was out there doing what needed to be done. This is the kind of person you want around when the SHTF, not some virtue-signaling Twitter user.

Maybe this hippo attack is a metaphor for the current state of the world. The woke mob is like a giant, unpredictable hippo, and we need guys like Templer to stand up and say, 'Not today, river horse.' It's time to embrace the chaos, reject the soy, and become ungovernable.

Of course, you KNOW the left will start screeching about 'cultural appropriation' now that someone is acknowledging the raw, untamed beauty and dangers of Africa. They want to turn everything into a sanitized, soy-infused theme park where no one gets offended and everyone gets a participation trophy. Sorry, not happening.

So next time you're feeling triggered by the latest woke outrage, remember Paul Templer and the Zambezi hippo. Embrace the chaos, reject the narrative, and go full Chad. Get outside. Wrestle a metaphorical hippo (or a real one, if you're feeling brave). Just don't forget your paddle.

In summary, the Chad tour guide reminds us all that the world is dangerous and sometimes bites. Man up. Also, hippos are not cuddly. They will mess you up.

Final thought: Maybe the hippo was just hungry for some freedom. Who are we to judge?