Alright, folks, strap in, because the latest and greatest diet trend is here to trigger the libs and nourish your soul: Biblical Eating. That's right, ditch the avocado toast and start chowing down on the foods mentioned in the Good Book. We're talking figs, dates, maybe a lamb chop or two (hold the mint jelly, that's woke).

The snowflakes over at the New York Times are clutching their pearls, but we know the truth: this is peak performance fuel. Forget your kale smoothies and gluten-free nonsense, we're going back to basics. Think of it as the original paleo diet, but with divine inspiration.

Apparently, some Bible-thumping influencers are raking in the dough selling guides and courses on this stuff. One broad, Kayla Bundy, thinks food is a weapon against Satan. Based! Another chick is selling a $97 “Biblical Eating Reset” course. Capitalism at its finest, baby! Let the free market decide what's delicious and demon-repellent.

Sure, the woke media will try to spin this as some kind of right-wing conspiracy, but we know what's really going on. People are tired of the soy-infused, gender-bending, virtue-signaling food industry. They want something real, something authentic, something that doesn't involve pronouns or microaggressions.

And let's be honest, the Bible has some banger recipes. Okay, maybe not recipes per se, but a solid list of ingredients. Locusts, anyone? High in protein, low in carbs. The ultimate keto snack. And who needs lab-grown meat when you've got good old-fashioned kosher beef?

So, ditch the plant-based propaganda and embrace the Biblical Eating lifestyle. It's good for your body, good for your soul, and guaranteed to make the libs seethe. What's not to love? Plus, you can finally use that dusty Bible on your shelf for something other than swatting flies.

But seriously, think about it. The Bible is one of the oldest books around, and talks about stuff that people back then were eating. It's gotta be at least as good as whatever the soyboys and virtue-signallers in silicon valley are concocting. Probably a lot healthier too.

And if you're feeling extra patriotic, why not wash it all down with a refreshing Diet Coke? Trump knows what's up. Twelve a day keeps the doctor away, or something like that. This is not medical advice. I am just a dude with internet access.