AUSTIN, Texas — Buckle up, buttercups, because the youth are at it again. This time, in Austin, where three young lads decided to go full 'Grand Theft Auto' without the cheat codes (or the good driving skills, apparently). The end result? Four people shot, a city-wide shelter-in-place, and a whole lot of head-scratching from the normies.

So, what went down? Apparently, these three geniuses (ages 15, 17, and 'minor, but we ain't tellin' you') decided to embark on a joyride of robberies and random shootings, because, y'know, boredom. They allegedly stole four cars, fired at fire stations (because why not?), apartment buildings, and even some poor sap walking his dog. Classic.

Mayor Kirk Watson, bless his heart, declared the whole thing 'random.' Right, because random violence is totally normal. Maybe instead of scratching our heads, we should be asking what's going on with these kids. But hey, let's not dive too deep into the societal rot, eh?

One of the masterminds (the 15-year-old) allegedly boosted the gun he used. The older one was already wanted for another gun theft. This is what happens when you don't have fathers at home. What did our Founding Fathers say again? Oh that's right, "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." We need to protect our rights.

And let's not forget the pearl-clutching locals, Ryan Nowlin and Samantha Martinez, who told CBS Austin how 'alarming' and 'scary' it was. Welcome to reality, folks! The real world isn't a safe space, and sometimes, people do bad things. Better invest in some home security. And maybe a gun.

Of course, the usual suspects are already calling for more 'gun control.' Because, you know, criminals totally obey the law. Meanwhile, these future Mensa members are sitting in jail, probably plotting their next escapade. Maybe we should just skip the trial and send them straight to 'The Squid Game.'

The Gun Violence Archive, those paragons of unbiased reporting, informs us that we're already at 150 'mass shootings' this year. Remember, that's defined as four or more wounded or killed. So, basically, a slightly rowdy family barbecue.

So, what's the takeaway? Lock your doors, teach your kids some damn respect, and maybe consider moving to a gated community. Because in the meantime, the 'random' acts of violence will just keep on comin'. And the libs will keep on cryin'.