CANBERRA, Mate! So, the geniuses in charge thought banning TikTok would turn Zoomers into CNN junkies? Turns out, the ankle-biters would rather stare at walls than read about whatever Davos thinks is trendy this week. A new study just dropped showing that Aussie teens are seeing 'less news' since the nanny state outlawed social media for the under-16s. You don't say?

The Usual Suspects – Western Sydney University, Queensland University of Technology, the University of Canberra (sounds like a law firm from The Matrix) – surveyed a thousand-odd youths. Shockingly, kicking them off Insta didn't send them running to the Guardian. Instead, they're just... doing other stuff. Maybe raiding the fridge? Arguing with their parents about pronouns? Who knows, who cares?

Before the ban, social media was, like, the second most popular way kids got 'news.' Behind, get this, talking to their families. Imagine that. Actual human interaction! Now, if only the government could ban Fortnite, maybe these kids would start building cathedrals or something. Pipe dream, I know.

Apparently, 47% of the banned whiners miss 'world news and events.' Probably because they can't doomscroll about the latest pronoun-based outrage. Another 45% are bummed about losing the chance to 'share views.' Aka, post woke takes and get virtue-signaled to oblivion. Cry me a river, snowflakes.

Lead researcher Professor Tanya 'Ms. Obvious' Notley is clutching her pearls, worried the kids will never 'get in the habit' of consuming news. Honey, they never had the habit! News is boring. It's biased. It's designed to make you feel bad. These kids are just ahead of the curve.

Notley thinks the government should fund youth-focused news outlets and teach 'news literacy' in schools. Oh great, more propaganda disguised as education. Let's just indoctrinate them early! Fifteen-year-old Noah's suing over the ban, bless his heart. He's probably just mad he can't post thirst traps anymore.

Here's a radical idea: maybe we should let kids be kids. Let them waste time on dumb apps. Let them discover the world on their own terms. The 'news' will still be there when they're ready for it. Or not. Who cares? As long as they're not burning down cities or voting for commies, I'm good.

So, congrats, Australia. You banned social media and made your teens slightly less informed. You also probably made them slightly happier. A win-win, if you ask me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch cat videos.