So, a house went up in flames in Werribee. A kid is extra crispy. A male resident is singed worse than my hairline. You know, Tuesday in Australia. The Usual Suspects™ are already lining up to blame global warming, systemic racism, or some other woke boogeyman. But let’s be real: maybe someone left the deep fryer on, or maybe the wiring was sketchier than Hunter Biden's laptop.

Emergency services showed up – props to those brave lads and lasses – and apparently the house was already hotter than AOC on Fox News. Took 'em an hour and forty of the finest Aussie firefighters to hose down what was left of the place. Reportedly, some kiddies managed to bail before turning into charcoal briquettes. Good for them. One less future gender studies major, amirite?

Now, the coppers are doing the whole “investigation” thing. Not suspicious, they say. Yeah, right. Maybe it was spontaneous combustion from all the progressive indoctrination oozing out of the TV. Or maybe, just maybe, someone wasn't paying attention. But hey, let's not jump to conclusions. Gotta wait for the arson chemist. Hope he's not one of those soy boys who'll blame it on microaggressions.

The virtue signalers are out in full force, offering “peer support and counseling” to the first responders. Translation: sensitivity training so they don't accidentally trigger anyone by, you know, trying to save lives. Give me a break. These guys need a slab of VB and a good night's sleep, not a lecture on pronouns.

Look, I'm not saying it's funny. It's tragic. But it's also a wake-up call. Maybe it's time to stop obsessing over pronouns and start teaching kids about fire safety. Maybe it's time to stop building houses out of cardboard and hope and start investing in infrastructure. Maybe it's time to admit that sometimes, bad things happen, and it's not always someone else's fault.

So, pour one out for the little bloke, and then go check your smoke detectors. And for the love of God, stop leaving your phone charger plugged in all night. You're gonna burn the whole bloody house down.

They say it's not suspicious. But I'm suspicious of everything these days. Especially narratives.

Sources: * Bureau of Meteorology (for weather patterns): http://www.bom.gov.au/ * Fire Rescue Victoria's public safety guidelines