SYDNEY - Welp, another day, another Darwin Award candidate checks out of Hotel Long Bay. A 19-year-old inmate decided to play the ultimate game of hangman in a cell the government knew was about as safe as a vegan at a Texas BBQ. Color me shocked.

This wasn't some unforeseen act of God. An independent watchdog, probably funded by Soros (kidding... mostly), issued a scathing report MONTHS AGO, basically saying the Metropolitan Special Programs Centre (MSPC) was a death trap masquerading as a correctional facility. Mold, vermin, ligature points galore – sounds like a five-star resort, right?

The report, gathering dust on some bureaucrat's desk, explicitly stated the MSPC “simply cannot provide a safe environment.” But hey, who needs experts when you have… more studies! Because THAT’S what fixes things. I'm sure the family appreciates the thought and prayers, though.

The Corrective Services NSW spokesperson, bless their heart, released a statement saying, “staff commenced a medical response.” Translation: they found him dangling like a Christmas ornament. “Any death in custody is immediately reported to the NSW coroner and subject to a compulsory, rigorous public inquiry.” Translation: we’ll spend taxpayer money to produce a report that blames everything but our incompetence.

And then there's Sue Higginson, the Greens justice spokesperson (you knew they'd show up), wailing about how she tried to get the place shut down. Bless her heart. She moved in the NSW parliament in February for the MSCPC and other units to be closed, but the motion was blocked by the government. She’s “absolutely broken” to hear of the death. Sweetie, save the crocodile tears. Maybe stop blocking nuclear energy and start worrying about what’s actually going on in your electorate.

The minister for corrections, Anoulack Chanthivong, declined to comment. Because, you know, investigations. It's always investigations. Investigations are the government's equivalent of 'thoughts and prayers.'

Meanwhile, 22% of prison deaths in 2025 were hangings, despite a $16 MILLION program to remove ligature points. So, where's all that money going? Buying gold-plated toilet seats for the warden's office? Clearly, someone’s skimming off the top while inmates are turning cells into makeshift gallows.

This whole situation is a masterclass in bureaucratic negligence, and frankly, it's infuriating. The government knew this was a problem. They ignored the warnings. Now someone’s dead. And all we get is the usual song and dance about investigations and inquiries. Maybe, just maybe, we should hold these clowns accountable.